What to Write Instead of "In Lieu of Flowers"

You've made it through the hardest parts of the obituary. The dates are checked, the names are spelled right, and somehow you found a sentence that sounds like them. Now you're at the very last line, the one about flowers, and you've stalled.

"In lieu of flowers." You've read it at the bottom of obituaries your whole life. Looking at it now, it sounds a little stiff, a little like a legal form. Maybe you're not even sure it's said right. And if you want people to give to a cause instead, you don't want the last thing anyone reads about your mother to sound like a fundraising letter.

This is a small line. It's also a real decision, and it's okay that it's the one making you pause. Here's how to finish it.

First: "in lieu of flowers" is fine

If you like the phrase, keep it. "In lieu of" just means "instead of," and it's been the standard wording for generations. Nobody reading it will think you got it wrong. The only reason to change it is if it doesn't sound like your family. That's a good enough reason, but it isn't a requirement.

Warmer ways to say it

Plain language almost always reads kinder than formal language here. A few starting points you can adjust:

• "Instead of flowers, the family asks that you consider a gift to the Maple County Animal Shelter, where Linda volunteered every Saturday for eleven years."
• "If you'd like to honor Frank, he would have loved a donation to the Riverside Public Library in place of flowers."
• "Memorial gifts may be made to Valley Hospice, whose nurses cared for Dorothy and for all of us in her final weeks."

Notice what each one does. It names one place, and it gives the reason in a few words. That short reason is the whole difference between a line that feels like a request and one that feels like one more true thing about the person. A reader who learns that Linda walked shelter dogs every Saturday knows her a little better, whether or not they ever send a check.

Why one charity beats three

It's tempting to list every cause they cared about. Resist it if you can. One named charity is easier to act on, easier to remember, and easier for the family to thank people for later. A list of four makes the reader choose, and a person who has to choose often puts it off and never gets back to it.

If two causes genuinely matter, two is fine. Past that, pick the one that says the most about who they were.

Get the details right

This is the part that trips families up, and it's the part people will actually use:

• Use the charity's exact name. Many organizations have similar names, and local chapters are often separate from the national group. If you mean the local animal shelter, say which one.
• Tell people how to give. A website address or a mailing address saves your guests a search. Many families simply add "Donations may be made through the funeral home," and many funeral homes are happy to handle that. Ask yours before you promise it in print.
• If there's a memorial fund, name who manages it. A scholarship fund, a church fund, a fund at a local bank: say exactly where it lives, so nobody sends money to the wrong place.

When you read the finished obituary out loud to check it, read this line twice. It's the one sentence a stranger might act on, so it's the one where a typo costs the most.

If you'd rather have flowers

Some families love flowers. They fill the room at the service, and there's nothing wrong with wanting that. You don't have to mention donations at all. If you'd like to allow both, you can say so gently: "Flowers are welcome, or a gift may be made to his American Legion post, where he was a member for forty years." Name the post exactly, the same as you would a charity.

If you want neither

Sometimes the family doesn't want flowers or donations. Maybe the service is small, maybe there's nowhere to put forty arrangements, maybe you just don't want people spending money right now. That's allowed, and you can say it simply:

• "The family asks that flowers and memorial gifts be omitted."
• "Please, no flowers or gifts. Your presence and your stories mean more to us than anything."

Neither one is rude. People are usually relieved to be told plainly what would help.

If you still haven't decided

You don't have to settle this line on the first pass. Write "flowers/donations: TBD" and come back to it after you've talked with the family. It is one of the easiest pieces to add at the end, and one of the few where waiting a day costs nothing.

If you're still working on the rest of the obituary, our guides to writing for a parent and writing for a spouse walk through everything that comes before this line. And if you'd like some help with the whole thing, our free obituary writer asks you one question at a time, including this one, and turns only your answers into a finished draft you can edit.

This is the last line people read. It doesn't need to be beautiful. It needs to be clear and to sound like your family. If it does both, you've done it right.